On the Lighter Side: What Men Talk About > Mike Jensen

One of the fun things about being an English professor (besides making students’ lives miserable, of course), is studying the communication process. I have always focused my study on the unique aspects of male-to-male interaction, which can be summarized in just one word: sports.Let me use myself as an example. As a child I loved sports. I loved playing sports, watching sports, talking about sports. I had a one-track mind.

The obsession with sports started early for me, as it does for most guys. And when I say, “started early,” I mean, “started in the womb.” I could give you Mickey Mantle’s lifetime batting average (8) at birth (mine, not his).

I can still give you the starting line-up of the 1975 World Series champion Cincinnati Reds, although I was only 10 years old when they beat the Red Sox in the greatest World Series ever played—unless you’re a Red Sox fan, in which case you’re an insufferable prat and your opinion doesn’t count.

Do you doubt me? (I mean about remembering the Reds’ line-up, not about Red Sox fans being insufferable prats. Nobody doubts that.) How about this:

Catcher: Johnny Bench
First Base: Tony Perez

Second Base: Joe Morgan
Shortstop: Davey Concepcion
Third Base: Pete Rose
Outfield: George Foster, Cesar Geronimo, and Ken Griffey

And I’ll have you know that came from the memory of a man who regularly forgets the names of coworkers, friends, his children, etc.

The weird thing about sports is that, even all these years later, I still am obsessed with sports. And I’m not alone. Most guys are just as obsessedIn fact, I happen to think that God created sports just so men would have something to talk about. You see, there are a LOT of topics that men are not allowed to talk about—especially to other men. These topics include, but are in no way limited to, the following: Sadness. Worries. Fears. Struggles. Health concerns—especially if they involve the prostate or Viagra. Relationship problems. Anything including the words, “I cried.” Anything including the word “Love.” Anything including the word, “Feel.”

If it weren’t for sports, most men’s conversations would be very short. Let’s assume that old friends Bob and Phil meet after not seeing each other for several months. Without sports, their conversation would go like this:

Bob: Hi, Phil! How you been?
Phil: Great! And you?
Bob: Great!
Phil: …
Bob: …
Phil: Well, see you later!
Bob: Bye!

But include sports in this equation, and see what you get:

Bob: Hi, Phil! How you been?
Phil: Great! And you?
Bob: Great!
Phil: How about those Braves, eh?
Bob: Oh yeah! Amazing win! They’re really doing it this season.
Phil: Got that right! Hey, let’s go get a beer and catch up on old times!
Bob: Great!

Sports also give men something to be passionate about once the fire goes out of our marriages (about 3.7 days after the wedding). If you don’t believe that men are passionate about sports, turn on an AM sports radio station some day and listen to the passion. It’s scary.

I’d give you examples, but the game’s back on.

Did you know…

Mike Jensen is a certified yoga instructor, and he played three seasons of European baseball from the ages of 38 to 40. He was the only left-handed knuckle-ball pitcher in the league. How ‘bout some yoga sessions at the Kaplan retreats, Mike?  Mike is a Composition Professor in the School of Legal Studies.

[This article was originally published in our September, 2009 issue.]