On the Lighter Side - English for Insane People > Mike Jensen, Professor in Legal Studies

I am an English professor. I say that proudly, but only in private. When I’m in public, I claim to be a garbage man, because garbage men have a better reputation. Being an English professor is not a popular job, as evidenced by the number of bullet holes I regularly find in my home’s all-natural artificial log siding.

I understand this disdain for my profession. I know that English classes are tough. I know that literature can be hard to understand (for example, why is it that NO piece of poetry ever written lets a tree simply be a tree, rather than the poet’s symbolic representation of something incomprehensible like humanity’s hatred of their parents?). I know that writing an A-quality essay is more difficult than saying the words "Al Franken, U.S. Senator" without spitting up your Coors Light.

Knowing all this, let me offer my sincere apology to the population in general by saying: “Get off my back, you jerks! It’s not MY fault the English language sucks!”

I’m kidding, of course. The English language doesn’t suck. The English language, despite all of its quirks and difficulties, despite its crazy spelling and grammar rules, despite its weird pronunciations, REALLY sucks.  And it’s even worse for foreigners. If I were to come to this country and enroll in one of those “English for Insane Foreigners Who Actually Think They Can Ever Learn to Speak English” courses, all the professor would have to do would be to write these three words on the board:

THOUGH

THROUGH

THOUGHT

and then try to explain why each word is pronounced the way it is.

At that point I would turn around, walk out the door, return to my home country, and spend the rest of my life telling my friends and neighbors that it’s no wonder Americans are so weird; their language slowly drives them all insane.

And it does drive us insane. How are we supposed to stay clear-headed when we have to decide whether we went THROUGH a tunnel or THREW the tunnel, whether to rob a bank would be to BRAKE the law or BREAK the law, or whether I can HERE the music or HEAR the music. This especially drives us English professors insane, because we are supposed to be the guardians of the language.

And to be honest, I’ve had it. So I am announcing today, as an English professor, that it no longer matters how you spell or misspell any words. Just get your general point across, okay? So if you want to go brake the law, due it! Want too here some good music? Go ahead! Have ice cream for desert, go buy a knew car and have a peace of pie. Get to no some-body knew by telling them you love there hare. Skip work to right a knew song, then sing it threw your lover’s bedroom window. Where your pants over your underewhere. I don’t care!

But for now I’d better go. I just graded a set of essays, and I’m expecting the gunfire to erupt any minute now.

[This article was originally published in our July, 2009 issue.]